Musings from the Summer!

Sunsets and sunrises have always been one of the easiest things to use for meditation.

August 9th, 2018

Time has gone by so fast and yet in the middle of the breast cancer battle it seemed like the longest year of my life.  I was diagnosed in April of 2017 after my mammogram came back abnormal in March.  I had known in my heart that things weren't going to be good when Ronnie found the lump earlier in the year.  It wasn't very large but I have to admit that everything felt lumpy.  I'm sure having fibrocystic breast disease wasn't a help either.  Anyway, I had the biopsy done in April and I can recall that doctor's appointment word for word.  My poor Daddy just happened to go with me to this appointment.  When Dr. Cummins walked in, she just said "It's bad."  I had a sinking feeling that once again, we were on the cancer journey.  We had already discussed the fact that I didn't want to play around and only do one breast.  It was an automatic double masectomy.  Surgery was scheduled for May 5th.  I only knew one thing was screaming in my head - you're going to miss another major event in your children's lives.  Josh was going to graduate from Mississippi State that night. I cried because of the breast surgery and grieved the fact that I was supposed to be there.  I did get to watch the video online.  Ronnie, Julia and Maegan went to graduation to be there.  Ronnie had stayed with me as long as he could before needing to leave to go to Starkville.  Julia and Maegan met him there.  Then it seemed as if the whirlwind started and didn't stop after that.  My entire family was there from the moment we found out cancer was back until this very minute.  There were also people who were there for me that I was a little surprised about.  There were also people that weren't around period.  I know now the reasons behind a few that were terrified of me dying.  The others that never called, sent a text or anything, well they don't have a place in my life.  I heard a saying that you will be severely disappointed if you think others will treat you the way you would treat them.  It's true! 

  Well, it finally started slowing down in April of this year.  I was discharged from Baptist Hospital the day after Easter and finally came back home to Isola.  From the time that I entered the hospital for the double masectomy in May of 2017 until April of 2018, I was away from home.  Ronnie was the one who supported me going to Aunt Donna's right after surgery.  JoBeth was going to share her room with me until I could get going again.  It took its toll on her and I felt it was time to go to Mama and Daddy's after that. Ronnie took me for treatments and we stayed several weekends in Jackson or at home.  But the day in and day out, I was in Greenville with the family.   I never dreamed that I would be away for so long.  I still feel scattered and I've been back home since April.  I guess because I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and something else to happen.

  Before February of 2018, I struggled with taking care of myself. I had to have a debridement surgery in June of 2017.  The wounds had become infected and tissue was dying.  The wound on my left breast area went down to the chest wall.  The after effects of the surgery was so horrifying to me.  The scars were ugly and the surgeon even said as much.  She said I was well endowed before the surgery.  So, to me that meant that what I was left with was just that.  Extra tissue in places that didn't need it.  The risk of infection from any procedure is so high that I may as well accept it.  We did the wound vac for awhile with a home health company that shall not be named.  That works into a whole different realm of mess.  The surgeon decided that I would do debridement every two weeks.  We went to Yazoo City and do wet to dry dressings in between that.  Mama did my dressings when Sunflower Home Health wasn't there and was on her game with me. I would recommend Sunflower Home Health to anyone for anybody.  They have the best nurses and make sure you have everything you need.   Mama did her best to make sure I got lots of protein to promote healing and cooked whatever I wanted.  I just didn't have much of an appetite after the chemo and then we started doing the Herceptin infusions. At that time, I was having so much trouble breathing normally.  There were so many nights when I would wake up to see Mama checking on my breathing. What we didn't know was the aortic valve in my heart was mush.  During the treatments or we think possibly from the first surgery, my breathing had been affected.  Although I have pulmonary fibrosis and have had congestive heart failure, nothing was working to ease my breathing.  I couldn't talk without having to stop and take breaths.  I wore my oxygen constantly. Talk about being a walking hot mess!  It was my new middle name.  Sometimes, I felt like I could add "Walking Disaster" to that also.  So back to the chest area, my wounds were still not healed.  The doctors had agreed that going back in wasn't an option to close.  They would have to grow skin back from the inside out.  Mama and Daddy did everything they could do to help me.  I was so hardheaded though about trying to do things my way.  Well, my way ended me up in Baptist Hospital on February 9th.  

Next posting will detail more from February 9th to April 3rd hospital stay.

Until then, I wish you blessings from our Lord and Savior!

Susan